Stolen Identity

This summer I learned that I care too much about what others think and say about me. I compare myself with others and always judge myself to be inadequate. I find it difficult to relate with others because I don't want to risk being real with them. I don't want to show others my true self because I feared they wouldn't like me, that they would judge or reject me. I wanted to let them into my life but my insecurities held me back. Instead, I would run away. The first couple of weeks of STP I kept to myself as much as possible. I preferred being alone to being around people because I knew I was safe alone. Safe from the judgement and rejection of others, and safe from embarrassing myself. As a result I noticed that I didn't bond as well with the girls in my cabin as everyone else did and I missed out on a lot. I didn't want to spend the rest of the summer on the outside of every inside joke so I tried to rectify the situation by being more outgoing. In my first attempt to be more social I went out with a group of people to grab some food. As soon as I got in the car I regretted my decision to go at once. My entire demeanor changed and it seemed that I was incapable of even manufacturing happiness. The second time I went on a hike with four other girls. I thought being with a smaller group would help matters but one small incident put me into a pretty terrible mood and I couldn't hide it. I'd always been able to mask my feelings fairly well. Why couldn't I do it now? From that incident and for the remainder of the hike my thoughts were focused inward. I couldn't understand why I was always the one who had trouble fitting in, who had difficulties opening up to people. I seemed to miss out on everything and I didn't understand why and it made me upset. All throughout my life I've felt like that, like a black sheep lost within a hundred white ones. When I found others that I could trust, that I could truly be myself with I stayed with them and they became my refuge but to the rest of the world I wore a mask of continual happiness. Nothing was ever wrong and nothing bothered me or made me upset. However, I soon realized that the line between my true self and my mask had become very vague. I didn't know who I was or what was part of the real Kayla and what was only manufactured. My identity had been stolen.